Then what? What Next? What will this achieve? Where will it go? If I were to start finding answers to these questions what would my 'NOW' be? Is it not enough that I am alive NOW, that I'm young NOW, that I'm with those I love NOW... If I were to give all this up for 'what next' or 'then what'... Will I be giving up on all that I have in this present moment? I choose to let go! I choose for life, fate and time to take its course. Now is all there is.

My Miracle Drug. The one that cures all my ailments, that brings joy to my life, that takes the clouds away and brings smiles to me, the one that makes me strive for more and do better in life, the one that makes me look forward to each day and not give up, that makes me be a better person, that makes me want to live... that makes me healthy when I am sick, that picks me up when I am down, that makes me smile when I frown. My Miracle drug.

Men are tested through their victories and losses. How they react when they lose and what they do when they win. There is grace in accepting vistory as humbly as there is in accepting loss. There is grace in keeping your chin up when you lose as there is in keeping your head bowed when you win. It is a good day! It is a good day for me, it is an even better day for Pakistan. Winds of change are blowing hard. I see hope all around... and it is a wonderful feeling. I see a man who kept his promise at the cost of his own supremacy, a defeated yet an honourable man. It's time to move ahead...

The opposite of love is hate. An equally strong and passionate feeling that drives you as mad as love might. If you go on to hating someone, from loving them. Chances are the intensity of emotion is the same and my friend, as much as you'd like to believe it, that person is still the bane of your existance. If you care what they think, if you're curious what they're up to, if you still want to know their reaction to things you do... chances are you're still in love. SO, I seriously recommend celebrating only when you're indifferent. Unconcerned about the person, their thoughts, their actions, their friends, their life. I hate to burst your bubble but anything beyond that is love or whatevers left of it.

I often find myself underestimating my strength and I know almost everyone does. How will I survive? How will I move on? Can I make it? It essentially starts from self doubt and becomes a whirlpool of negativity that sucks you in.... From lack of confidence, to dependancy on others, to procrastinating.... You become your very own downward spiral. Frankly, you get over things, you get new jobs, you familiarize yourself to a new town and to top everything you have more than one soul mate too!  The point my dear is.... You'll get over it and even if you don't no one cares. So stop being a SOB. She's just not that into you!

So I understand when someone stops you from doing something you feel compelled to do it. Like an internal rebel mechanism... Why did this person stop me?!? I am wise enough, smart enough, experienced enough... or for that matter I want to experience on my own why should I listen to someone else. What really amuses me is when you stop yourself from doing something and you feel compelled to do it regardless! You know its bad for you or unneccesaary or pointless or futile but the more you stop yourself... the more you feel compelled to do it! Hello? what's up with that!!

A term originating from the animal kingdom, in which some species arrange individuals into a ranked order. At the top of each chain is the 'Alpha' animal, and at the lowest of the chain is the 'omega' animal. Thus, the position of 'Alpha' means the one in charge of all the others in his social group. This position can be seen being fought for. The position of Alpha Male is seen as one of the most socially desirable as having it enables a male to make decisions about how their social group/pack is run, to exact submission and obedience from subordinates, and generally to control things and boss others around at will. The power of the alpha male is matched only by that of the alpha female, who is just as in control as the alpha male is. Though in human society, individual ego and desire for authority often exclude the possibility of a partnership at the top. Humans seem to have a remarkable tendency for aggregating ultimate authority to one (usually male) person.

Someone's father did not go home today, Someone's brother did not return, Someone's husband is still awaited, Someone's son is is not home either... the sad thing is they will never be back. A helicopter crashed somewhere in Wana... Why? We don't know. For some this was Bad News, for some it was good - a few lives changed forever today. Some believe it was a technical fault, skeptics assume it wasn't... The humane are mortified, the cynics overjoyed. Someone's love will never ever be in their arms again. For us he was a soldier we so hate, an annoymous man who we will never know, a moron who put his life in danger willingly... For someone he was everything. And he died for YOU! So if you can't mourn his death, respect it atleast... How would you feel if this was someone you loved?? I can assure you it could have been if it weren't for this annoymous man!

Sometimes you'll feel like crying and you know exactly why... The problem however is not in knowing, but in not being able to say.

Situations and Circumstances. Often you will go through the same situations... for example you could be packing your bags in the same way, feeling the same nervous anxiety in your stomach, the same anticipation and excitement... you will find yourself checking your ticket for the fifth time and wondering why time has come to stand still, you'll constantly worry about something going wrong because things just simply can't go wrong, it's way to important a time. But then you'll suddenly realise that the circumstances are totally different now... and what you're used to running towards isn't standing there anymore.

Photographs... They don't just capture memories, they capture moments. Moments that perhaps you wish lasted a lifetime. So you keep going back to those pictures... Seeing them again and again, smiling as you see them and wishing those times came back forever. Unfortunately, the moment was gone as soon as you heard the click and you have nothing in your hand but the 'now' which is nothing like then.

What's your favourite mistake? The one you feel like making over and over again? First you try to prove it right, but when you do give in to it being wrong... The once in a blue moon oops is deviously delightful. So come on... think this one through, what's your favourite mistake?? Everyone has to have one!

I find gyms to be a crash course in human psychology. It amazing how the insecurities and social cliches are perhaps at their best there. The toned lady in her branded tracks - her high point in life is perhaps being seen as the toned lady in branded tracks, the fat one pretending to not give a damn but perhaps inwardly wishing she was the toned lady, the jock who plays with weights and catches the lady's attention, the young boy who hopes to be the jock someday and get the toned lady's attention, the young girl who checks out the jock as she pretends to not care pretty much like the fat lady... I could go on and on... I love going to the gym. I wonder where I fit in :)

I know many people who love God and his creations. They love Him in their own way which is very different from the way I show my love for Him. The common affinity between them is perhaps the goodness of their beings and their care for God's creations. They are all beautiful individuals who are socially, politically, religiously and perhaps morally very different. Would God punish them for loving him differently? I doubt it. But if yes, then I pray for strength to stand infront of the Almighty as their advocate.

Somethings HIT you big time. The second you are exposed to them you're floored, you're bowled over. Then there are other things... that slowly grow on you. When you first see them, experience them, meet them... there's nothing. Yet slowly and steadly they become a part of you. I have seen people almost always be fascinated by the former and not paying enough heed to the latter. Is it a battle of heart and mind? Is it a battle of youth and maturity? Is it a question of Alphas and Betas? Is one better than the other? I am left completely baffled.

I just realised yesterday that I can't tell handwritings of some of my closest friends. This obviously is owing to the fact that we email, chat, text but almost never write to eachother in which case I probably recognise their writing in digits (owing to exchanging random numbers, budgets, prices) more than in alphabets. This realization came when a tiny little note written on Pearl Continental note pad from a friend in a different time and universe fell out of my wallet while cleaning it. I practically lived that moment once again which I had possibly forgotten already. It left me nostalgic and hollow for a long time... smiling at the sweet stupidity of the moment it was written in. Do write notes... sometimes we all need to not forget.

So Harbajan gets suspended for 'Racial Slur'... The poor guy made the mistake of calling an Aussie a 'Monkey'. I for one don't know whether to laugh or cry! MONKEY is not a racial slur, especially not for a person from a region where you call someone 'baander' all the time. But then if you really think about it, we are perhaps the most insensitive nation when it comes to rascism. Just thinks African Americans are Kaley, Oriental are Chaptey, People from the village are Paidu and so on so forth... But then in region of Puppu, Guddu, Bhola, Kana, Githa, The question really is, are we rascist or are we just way tooooo lovin'.

My New Years resolution lasted a grand total of three hours. This needless to say is an all time Sadaf record and not that I am telling you what it was, I will tell you how fascinated I have been with this whole concept of Resolutions. In 28 years of existance and 10 years of making resolutions my success rate is a grand 0%! Essentially, at the end of every year I challenge myself to something that I haven't managed to achieve in a whole year or more of trying and some how expect that just because the last digit in the date has changed, I will miraculously pull it off. WOW. Real Smart :) Whats your success rate?

Even when we know, we all wait for miracles.

So tell me, if you were to take a cruise... say for arguments sake a five star, all expense paid, luxury, sunny gorgeous flawless cruise! Would you let go of it only because this ship isn't taking you anywhere? Or would you hop on board enjoy all that this fabulous holiday has to offer? The ship will bring you back to where you started from and life might seem dull for sometime after that but is the experience not worth cherishing? I think it's absolutely worth it. Why won't you come onboard???

It is perhaps true that we have more reasons to be insecure when we're high up there in life! I can not think of any explanation beyond this... Why else would anyone who has everything and is given more in a silver platter fuss that the platter should be gold! Whats with this attention seeking tantrum business anyway?? God women! SHUT UP! Humility isn't a sin the last time I checked!

MEN. Tuck your shirts in!!! You are no longer sixteen. Shirts go in, T-shirts stay out, Polo Shirts go in... SIMPLE? MEN. Tuck your shirts in ESPECIALLY at parties or while stepping out in the evenings... It's not Sunday mornings everyday. You can't be scruffy every day. Would you keep your shirt out at work? THEN why would you do that at a dinner or a party or a gathering. You've got a good wardrobe full of clothes, don't ruin it by wearing it all wrong!

I developed a really bad habit last April and having experienced a relapse just a few days ago I am compelled to write this entry: All bad habits are like social smoking. Essentially, you stay away of it... think you have full control... you show off your great self control to friends in the process... you feel you're on top of things. So then comes the D-day and you're sitting with people and enjoying yourself and you think one smoke? what can one smoke do to me??? For old times sake you take a puff or two or maybe a little bit more. Next week you're back to six months ago. Moral of Story: if you were addicted the first time chances are you will be addicted again. Stay Clear and don't push your luck.

Today, Tomorrow, Yesterday, Day After, Day Before, Sometime, Anytime, Now, Then, Days, Minutes, Seconds, Years, Ages, Days, Nights... TIME. It puts everything in perspective... (or takes everything out of it).

Butterflies. I love them. Not the insects but the feeling... They are essentially a litmus test seperating the 'to dos' or 'not to dos'. Most of the time we try logic and reason and justification but really it all boils down to butterflies. About people, about things, about journeys, about decisions... if you feel the butterflies... JUST DO IT!

There is simple way of approaching a situation and reacting to it.

1. Situation and Setting 

2. Blink (ref: Malcom Gladwell)

3. Logical Analysis

4. Heart vs Mind (potential conflict)

5. Decision on potential course of action

6. Point of No Return

 

Everything has a lifecycle! Everything starts, exists and ends. For the existance to be pleasurable, the start has to be nurtured. I don't understand why everyone SUCKS at good starts. A little more enthusiasm people, A little more faith.

Sometimes in life, there is no ever after. THE END comes right after 'happily'. Considering that we are fairly atuned to assuming that happily is ever after, we resist the end... making the happily not so happy... The abruptness of the story doesn't make sense, so we drag it till happy is no longer happy and the ending suddenly makes sense because all sad things must come to an end. Sometimes after THE END we keep hoping there will be episode two which MIGHT have an ever after... Now that is just plain old wishful thinking. Short Films don't have an Episode Two and sequels usually suck!

All good, healthy, real relationships are boring! So technically all our lives we loooooong to be bored. We look for someone to bore us out of our wits. Then we have the audacity to complain. Ironic. Don't you think?

Some people go and some people stay... Some people are gone even when they are there and some stay long after they are gone. Sometimes you pretend that people have left even though they haven't. Sometimes they come back, long after they have left...

Have you ever danced with an idea... in pale moonlight. When no one is watching and you let go of all sanity. And the dim negligent sound of distant music suddenly becomes loud and melodious... as you gently waltz with an idea. If you want to dream, you must dare to dance.

Defining a relationship. How is it that sometimes you meet a great new person and this person becomes your friend, sometimes you meet an equally nice person and you become involved, sometimes a person who's just as nice comes into your life and slides out of it just like that too. How does one define a relationship or decide what course it would take?

When you marry for love, your life starts. When you marry for the sake of marrying it ends.

I insist that only people who talk alot know the true value of silence. The value is especially realised after you've spoken too much. I have never figured out why I can't shut up when I need to shut up. I mean really everyone does not want to know how fabulous your job is, people are not interested in the sale at crossroads, or this really funny thing you came across or this weird crazy incident. Sometimes it's ok to say Eid Mubarak and HANG UP! Stop trying to be NICE!

Someday you will wake up and everything with be fine. Your work will be fine, your friends will be fine, your family will be fine... You will feel like you're floating through life. You will smile. Unfortunately, most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy... Being miserable is easy. I assure you embracing happiness is FAR cooler in the long run :)

Some of your friends are bad news! Thats the way it is. The hard cold truth. They essentially bring out the worst in you, they say they're looking out for you when they're really looking at you, you think they're non judgemental but really they're really not telling you what they should, basically you're galavanting around like an idiot thinking your back is covered you are actually as vulnerable as you potentially can be. When you grow old you'll realise that some people will choose to go down with you, and some people shine everytime you make a fool of yourself. The thing to remember always is... there is a word for these people and it is NOT friends. Try saboteurs for size??

The institution of marriage has always intrigued me in many ways. I always thought that for most people it signified either independence or lack of it in the simplest defined terms. What I didn't realise was that for a lot of people both men and women it is a chance to start afresh. Essentially the opportunity to shed their past... In practice, everyone can be what they have always wanted to be. In most cases someone in a position to preach and not be preached. To be the saint, the wise, the worthy, the in-control... Essentially marriage is the licence to be holier than thou around sinning mortals that the world knows as the 'singles'.

Dependent Personality Disorder: You need to be taken care of. You can`t make even small decisions without consulting someone else first, and letting them take responsibility for the consequences. If a close relationship ends, you urgently seek another, because how else can you take care of yourself alone? You will volunteer to do the most horrible tasks just to show how grateful you are to your close friends for being there for you.

What is worth waiting for? How do you know if you have never seen it, felt it, experienced it. Sometimes playing blind randomly Rewards... Mostly, it doesn't. Is ignorance a bliss? Do we miss out on the most beautiful moments of our lives because we're too busy searching for answers? Why must everything satisfy logic...Perhaps you are a miracle. Unexplained and Beautiful.

It's like a friend said, 'Now that the twenty20 cup's over its back to Kamran Khan and Hamid Mir trash again' I would take a second to saulte the 'boys' who took our mind of the mess all around us. In the process they gave us hope, excitement, joy and speaking for myself a face or two to have brand new crushes on. No games, Just sport!

On my way to work today, I was once again stuck in a roadblock courtesy yet another 'protest'. One Maulvi looking gentleman was VERY politely being escorted by two members of the Elite police. Twenty thousand cameras from twenty thousand different sensational channels were filming this whole episode.

 

Next day I found out two things 1. this gentlman was someone important, obviously if he had bothered being prominent before election time I might have known and 2. apparently he was being manhandled this crusader for democracy that he was, which is utter bullshit.

 

The point frankly is I am sick of the pathetic excuse for entertainment our news channels are I am even more sick and tired of the pathetic excuse entertainment our politicians are. They have beautifully managed to kill my conscience, I don't care I am indifferent - I want them all to leave me alone!!! I want to watch a trashy movie while they're all being taken to be shot infront of a firing squad!!! I want the bliss that ignorance is. Let me get to work on time.

Family. Its amazing how pestering they can be. You spend most of your growing up years resenting them in one way or the other. They meddle with your social life, plans, independence... And then a time comes when you see your grandparents growing frail and you want to hang onto every moment you have with them, or you see your parents getting grey hair or your siblings leaving the nest. It is then you realise how incomplete your life would be without them. Don't ever wait to tell them how much you love them, maybe they're thinking exactly the same thing.

To an organized person chaos is death, to the planned fear of unknown.

I have realised that I am doomed to a life of being embarassed atleast once every month or so. Some people think faster than they talk, some talk faster than they think. The latter even though a small fraction compared the former, does exist and I am a living proof of it. Sometimes I make sense, Mostly I don't. I can think of at least a 20 times in the last three months where I was ready to chop my tongue off. I call people such a my self plain and simple... OVER. OVER Emotional people who OVER react and then try to OVER compensate. I am not a person, I hereby declare myself a Phenomenon!

I know someone who loved someone madly once. Madly being the operative word here. It was all wrong to start with but he would turn a deaf ear to any logic. He was afterall madly in love. As expected, things didn't work out. Today after a long time I saw them two in the same room again... driving eachother as mad as they did when they loved only this time it wasn't love. I was forced to think how fine is the line between love and hate. The intensity and passion is just the same except then it brought them together and now it drew them apart. I am still thinking whether they are lucky to have experienced the crazy love they once did, or cursed for life for experiencing this hatred that makes them incapable of normality.

How scared we all are of being average or mediocre. While some of us would choose to be oblivious, some will strive to be better. Of those who strive to be better some give in to the oblivion, some keep striving forever, some escape from one thing to another before they can be judged and those who actually manage to cross the barrier are commonly known as asses by the rest. Where do you stand?

Life goes on, or so you think till you come face to face with your past - near or distant, and you realise that you're actually right where you started. Somethings never end, they become immortal only because they were mortal. They go on forever perhaps only because they ended. When you let go, let go for ever... If something had to happen, it would have.

I'm missing my imagination. I used to be quite a day dreamer. I think we all were at some point in time. I don't know when but at some point I became a realist. It's a very bland existance I tell you... there is no applause when you kick ass, the music doesn't play when you're happy, the world doesn't turn black and white when you're sad, you're not the richest, happiest or most popular, Prince William is probably not bumping into you at some club, you're not going to own your own jet and well you are definitly not having a limitless shopping account. Try seeing the world with your eyes closed sometime, the way you want to see it. See yourself the way you want to be... That perhaps is the start.

Verbal Diarrhea. Foot in Mouth. Talking before Thinking - Sometimes its really not about yapping away endlessly. Sometimes people talk so they don't have time to think, Sometimes they talk so they don't say what they actually want to say, Sometimes there is just so much pent up inside that words start pouring out without intention. All these thoughts sit in our heads and heart but we wont let them out... what will people think, what will they say, how will they react... Perhaps when your lips betray you is the only time you're truly honest... embarassed, vulnerable and idiotic BUT honest :)

I am convinced that adults are just so childish. Remember when you had everything figured out? I want to be a doctor, I love my family, I want to go play, I hate school. And then you became an adult worrying whether you should switch careers, you love your family but they're just so crazy, you want to play when you have work, work because of guilt when you can really be playing, trying to keep everone happy, decisions uuuurgh. God, please give me the wisdom of a child this grown up thing is driving me crazy!

For someone who has always hated exams, I have recently noticed my tendency to test myself. Everytime there is something new or different I push myself in a situation to see can I hold out, can I bear, can I resist, can I trust... the list is endless. Basically we might stop trying to prove ourselves to the world... but the quest to prove ourselves to our own selves almost never ends.

Someone once said that to be trusted is a greater compliment then to be loved. I couldn't agree more... with this and and perhaps anything ever said about 'trust'. It's funny how everyone seems to generally agree on this one and those who don't, start agreeing once they've been taken for a sweet ride :) People who don't have a reason to cover your back, almost always WON'T.  

Sometimes in your time of need, you turn to someone who is nothing to you. Perhaps never was or atleast isn't anymore.

There comes a point in life where your dad's not superman anymore and your mom is not the most flawless woman in the world. Perhaps at that time you'll judge them and if you're lucky you will choose to forgive them. It is really not about what their weaknesses are, but more about how you came to finding out about them. You will probably see them on the verge of making mistakes, embarassing themselves, being unsure of things... The choice at that time is between remaining a child or taking charge. There is no right or wrong here... Just remember that you made many mistakes, embarassed them a lot many more times and were not sure of anything at one point. You will probably figure out what to do. (And if you don't, no need to panic, its not hard to cover your tracks to Africa)

Moments of Weakness: Whereas children usually blame their follies on lack of knowledge, moments of weakness have to be my favourite adult excuse. You're on a hefty diet and along comes a juicy mango, 'moment of weakness', you've quit smoking and along comes that one stick with your name on it, 'moment of weakness', you swore to yourself you won't call and along comes this pang of lonliness, 'moment of weakness'. The point is moments of weakness are not an excuse to step off your path, it's you returning to yourself. A moment when you choose to give in to what you want as compared to what you should want. Be weak for me sometime.

As we grow up, we are told stories of Beautiful Princesses, The Prince who is always Charming, Evil Witches and Wizards that always die in the end, Good that prevails over Evil, No one ever has to work and not to forget... Happily ever after. Now frankly the real world is not a bad place at all but really its not all fairy stories either. In our constant struggle to have something better and fairytale-like we forget to cherish what we already have. Perhaps we should hammer fairly-ok-and-be-thankful-for-it ever after :) and we might end up with a happier place.

How long has it been since you last danced infront of your mirror, or held a hair brush pretending it was a mic and you were a rockstar, or went through your cupboard trying out outfit after outfit for no reason, or experimenting with make up, or walked into the rain, or made prank calls to the cute guy and hung up, or made a guy totally awkward by staring at him, or spent a girls night in, or had a crush on a rockstar, or laughed so loud that your insides hurt, or ate ice cream so fast that it gave you brain freeze... the list is endless. If you haven't done any of the above or more in the last two weeks you need to be a little easy on yourself... you are as happy and as old as you want to be!

Attention. It is astounding what people would do for it and what it would do for people. Makes one realise how basic we are and how gregarious that basic is. So here you are all cloudy and rainy and one random phone call from one random person saying randomly nice things brings out sunshine in your life. We're all suckers for 'happy'. Makes you realise how easy it is to light up someone's day and how utterly lazy you have been.

I love the human survival mechanism. I am not talking about surviving disasters... but then perhaps I am. The little disasters of our everyday life that don't seem so little. The point is everyone has different ways of dealing with it. Some mope, some cry, some have sleepless nights and some sleep over it... No matter how big or how bad. There comes a point where your insides say 'THIS IS IT' and suddenly it stops hurting, suddenly you're better. Sometimes, when the pain is not so bad you keep dwelling over it, making it bigger and bigger till you reach your 'this is it' point and like a little miracle in itself you're back! You feel pretty again, you're cool again, you're confident again... basically you're IT. God I love being so fabulous!!!!

I know how you're feeling. Have you noticed how many times we say this? Oh you're sad. I know how you feel. You're hurt. I know how you feel. Frankly my dear no one ever knows. I don't and you don't. It is a very pathetic way to console if I may say... 'I know' with two little words you establish your superiority over someone who is probably feeling fairly inferior anyway. Anyway the point really is you don't know and if you're the reason for the misery and then you claim to know I can assure you either DON'T know or you have conveniently forgotten.

We often forget to count our blessings. We are all a bunch of 'half empty' and frankly its time to stop whining. The fact is we're really not as miserable as we want to be or choose to be. Time passes. A day turns into two, two into three and before you know it you are fine by yourself. You can talk without a hint of pain, you can stand face to face without any desire, you find someone else to break your smallest and most insignificant news to and your phone calls start with a hello and end with a simple bye. Life isn't all that it's cracked up to be... and it's really ok.

The word 'why' is a little curse in itself. It is a snowball effect of craziness that you want to stay clear of. Ignorance after all is a bliss and I can assure you that must have been said by someone fairly enlightened. It's not just about answers, it's about satisfactory answers and logical answers... answers that make sense to you. Why was I born, Why am I here, Why does my heart ache, Why don't I have that, Why did he leave me, Why is my food tasteless, Why did God make this world, Why am I bored, Why Why Why Why... If the answers don't make sense to you, you'll keep wondering long after you tell everyone you've stopped. You'll be hurt or dissatisfied or restless... Stay Clear of WHYs!

Cell phones... to love or not to love THAT is the question. I still remember the first time I got my first phone. It was much later than my younger siblings got exposed to this menace. I was 20 and thought I had finally discovered the key to freedom. Now that my parents could always be in touch with me while I was away, I could be away so much more. Having used it for almost a decade now, I spent my first two weeks without it for the first time since I have been using it. Believe me when I say THIS device is an electronic leash. It binds you more to the world, to the people, to things... and that is not good because frankly the only thing you really need to be connected to is yourself. Everything else is a bad habit in the making.

Boys and Girls, todays 'talk' is about beginnings and endings. I would love to say something about them, but as it turns out, I don't have an opinion just as yet. Everytime I pick the more important one, something happens and I am forced to rethink. Now, say endings are important - good endings give good closure, bad endings give regrets. Hence good endings are very important. On the flip side, good beginnings start something great, bad beginnings start nothing making beginnings VERY important also. Now if you have a good beginning, an ending, ANY ending is bad which really doesn't make a good beginning a very good thing either. So if good beginning is not so good, bad beginning is bad anyway, good ending is an ending nonetheless and bad ending is horrid - all this makes good beginnings something to hold on to... except... ok I am lost. But hell knows if this movie starts well and ends not so well... uuurggh!!! see what I mean???

A few days back I think I was assumed to be very umm stupid by people who I wouldn't want thinking I was stupid. Frankly I wasn't upset because I was stupid... I was in fact upset because I felt like I really was never given a chance, a real shot. Perhaps by myself, perhaps by the people. As the discussion got heated, I felt sidelined and as I desperately waited for someone to pull me back in, I wasn't. The reason I am writing this entry is perhaps 20% self pity :) and 80% lessons I learnt from this incident. Lesson no. 1: No one can make you feel bad unless you allow them to, Lesson no. 2: A lot of times what you 'think' people 'think' of you, is in your head only, Lesson no. 3: To ask someone 'what do you think' gives them more importance than weeks of telling them they're important, Lesson no. 4: People get hurt easier than you think, Lesson no. 5: If you tell someone you didn't mean to do what you did and then continue doing it anyway, chances are they won't believe what you said, Lesson no. 6: I know all this only because I went through it and I don't know how many people I treated in the same way, Lesson no. 7: It hurts for far longer than you say it did, Lesson no. 8: There is something to learn in every experience good or bad... Courtesy this incident, I asked someone, who I always assumed to be silly what they thought about something. Now frankly between you and me I was correct about the silly part, except I now have a happy silly person in my life :)

Guaging a relationship, any relationship is very interesting. Apparently you're great friends when you can be in eachothers company and do nothing and still be fine, you're a great boss and employee if you know what your boss wants without him saying it, you're great siblings if you argue over everything and yet you love eachother, you're a great parent or child when you love selflessly without expecting anything in return... basically, you don't entertain, you don't talk, you fight and experience one sided love. Interesting isn't it? These preconcieved holier than thou notions about relationships? Relationships are a two way street, we know it right? So if I were to treat someone... anyone like a friend, I'd expect to be treated like a friend in return. The point is it takes two people to make ONE reality or one relationship, whatever that relationship may be. That goes for love, that goes for friendship... Perhaps one should pick up the phone and call 'just like that' sometimes too :)

Do you know how excruciatingly painful it is to sit infront of someone and pretend to like them? This person's voice becomes a distant echo in your head, at best background score to your own thoughts. Just to entertain yourself you slowly (and pathetically might I add) find yourself sizing this person from head to toe. In each instance the person falls slightly short. It's not his fault. The point is you're not wishing this person was different. You're wishing you were with a different person.

For something that's supposed to be factual, logic and real... it is amazing how many excuses and justifications 'reality' is made of. I warned them in time, this is the best thing, I know better, this is not going anywhere, I can deal with it, nothing is changing... just by a simple arrangement of statements that could or could not be true, we wash our hands clean. This is not to say that any of this is wrong or bad. After all it is with clean hands you turn the page over to the next chapter. A lie is perhaps the begining of a new truth.

Yoyo (used as yoyo-ed out): Usually refers to 'jumping the gun', 'ignoring the obvious' or 'hoping against hopes' in short misunderstanding a situation. A person yoyo-ed out is borderline stupid and will suffer from blindness of emotion and crazy estrogen. Yoyo is a fairly short process and can take full effect in a period as short as two days. Yoyo-ed out usually ends in heartache however it is addictive and leaves yoyoers wanting.

I'm in search for something called guaranteed happiness. From now on I will only do things, go places, meet people, experience situations that I know will make me happy. 100%. If I feel that something could potentially hurt me, in 6 hours, 6 days, 6 months or 6 years... I WILL NOT do it. Who cares how great it feels right now... I mean since I have a 100% guarantee that I will be alive on my two feet in great happiness forever and that too considering this is only one of the 1000 lives I have been given... I will go a bit more choosy with this one. So please if you are not perfect, or this place is not perfect, or this experience is not perfect... now and forever and ever and ever. buzz off!

I've often wondered how everyone seems to have some expert advice on love. For something so universally mishandled (there are far more sob stories about love than happy ones - atleast according to my limited knowledge) There is really an expert opinion about every possible situation: Better to have loved and lost, only fools rush in blah blah. Frankly my dear, unless you can avoid it all together, chances are you will find yourself in a love muddle or muddles at some point in your life. So just kick back and enjoy. Don't try to figure things out, there is no right way or wrong way. And if you're lucky enough to be the ones who loves 'less' chances are you will be in the driving seat. ENJOY!!!

Sometimes you go to this amazing place and have an amazing time... but just for a second, a short moment... a very short moment, you are consumed by the urge to share that experience. So as you stand looking down at the city and everything seems like a cluster of stars below you... remember that you are the universe and that moment is yours and yours alone... that is perhaps the beauty of it.

I love the phrase 'Why Me'. I mean WHO WOULDN'T... So you're going through life and suddenly something goes wrong... By a simple why me you automatically pass on the responsibility to God or some higher authority anyway and become the victim. Obviously you couldn't have worked any harder, given it more, loved more, cared more, ummm spent more hours I don't know the list goes on. Because in your head and perhaps more in your heart you're the victim. I tried my best and I did everything but this always happens to me. Tsk poor old me.

I hereby declare airport lounges... international departures to be SPECIFIC, as the most depressing places in the world. I mean what is it with tube lights and unomfortable seats and no entertainment anyway??? A friend but it brilliantly... 'I hate transits, its between the love you're leaving behind and the love that you're going to.' to put it more 'worldly' airports are a classic nothing between what was and is going to be. I hereby demand that air travel be banned and everyone turns to scotty!

Bridges should be crossed when we reach them. What if the bridge is in the wrong direction? If the direction is unclear where does faith kick in?? Sometimes when you don't know where you're headed, is it not ok to just follow your heart?? After all... yoooo cann dooooo imposssssible things ;)

Why would people find themselves consumed by sorrow when all life gave us ever is joy? Perhaps there is some solace in being the martyr or the victim... perhaps it gives us the comfort that things can only be good from here on... the point remains, Life's Good. Don't sadden yourself by what you won't have later, celebrate what you have now. Your present is too precious to be tainted by regrets of past or stresses of future. Live like there is no tomorrow, Love like you've never been hurt.

Some things in life are worth it. Life is very short and when nearly half of it has passed already, its time to start holding on to things that matter.... everything else is secondary. Don't wait too long for the perfect conditions or the perfect time... it's about now and how wonderful now is. At the end of the day you don't want to look back at your life and regret that it was all chalked out on assumptions that could or couldn't have been. Sometimes things that don't seem very tangible are the things we need to believe in most. It doesn't matter if they will be forever or not... one should believe in them because more than anything, these things are worth believing in.

 

One day your life will flash infront of your eyes, make it worth watching.

Humans by nature are always in search of happiness and satisfaction. Unfortunately in this desire, they are often too willing to grasp on to unrealistic promises of love attained by clinging on to hopeless ideals. Someday, looking back you might feel like you put your heart out too quickly... blame it on the season... it was after all a spring of hope and only a fool wouldn't fall in love.

You might have stopped existing as what you were to the world, but you will always live on as what you were to me. Will miss you Snuffy.

Moe: Often defined as the loving sensitive soul that touches your life when you least expect it, someone who is looking out for you all the time, someone who makes you feel special and loved, someone who's naughtiness touches your heart, someone who is sarcastic and witty, someone who you want to be around forever, someone who hasn't been in your life for long but often leaves you wondering how you ever managed. A word so diverse, that if used as a verb can mean both are you pulling my leg or are you so loving that I cannot believe how lucky I am to have you in my life. The word when said out in it's true spirit has to come from the bottom of your heart. Many known variations of the word exist.

If a century has 100 years, each year 12 months, each month 30 days, each day 24 hours, each hour 60 minutes, each minute 60 seconds... why is it that some days are sooooo much longer than the others?

Who is this Murphy idiot anyway?! Can someone please ask him to stay clear of my life? :)

Remember the time when everything was new. When the smallest of things were exciting, when we hadn't been there and done that... when we hadn't seen it all? Feeling butterflies in your stomach, jumping when the phone rang... impatience, time that would just not pass, weekend that just never came, blushing, being speechless, being vulnerable, trusting and being trusted, taking chances... It feels good to be 16 again.

Sometimes happiness creeps up on us when we least expect it. For most part we've become so used to protecting ourselves from everything that can hurt us, that we don't see the happiness the way we should... a joyous time to let go and live the fullest. Fear of the future and what if's embrace us, the past haunts us and the moment that NOW is, is lost forever. It is very easy to run away and hide in a corner. It takes courage to be happy... be brave for yourself.

All that you claim you've left behind, remains a part of you. At some point you will go back to what you really are... where you started from. One can only pray for more wisdom, to deal with those same things better... If life has its patterns, we don't have to follow them. Experience makes us all wiser.

If one is better than zero, why isn't 2 better than 1? Why can't second be fun, or why do we have to pick one and not have both or all three or four for that matter? When we're always complaining for lack of choice, why is it that when we have it... we find ourselves wishing we didn't? When we can whine about almost everything in life, if anything, don't ever forget to thank God for always having a choice... atleast you conciously chose not to complain, and thank god for that :) I'm lovin' it!

Perhaps this urgency to be an adult is beyond my undertanding. While there a rat race to age before time, and earn and date and dress and live the way 'grown ups' do, one group of people has chosen oblivion. As I sit on a dinner table with a group of friends and acquaintences who are taking life as it comes, dress like they want to, live the moment, converse like they value eachother's company, take a minute to laugh... have the heart to laugh at their problems and please don't think they don't have any problems because they do. They are all between 26 and 30 and all seem to not think they're over the hill... none of them have children, all have steady or unsteady jobs... Parents, Siblings, Partners... I smile and enjoy their loving company where time suddenly goes slower and and most definitly richer than it has been for weeks. While the old are perhaps too old and young dying to be the eldest, Ladies and Gentlmen I hereby declare, 30 is the new 20!

To see the invincible fall, the perfect with their imperfections, the forever last not long enough and the loved be selfish beyond imagination... As the ideals fall and reality starts dawning. The question remains was anyone ever as good or as bad as we thought?

Do we really know ourselves? In this world that's based on trust and the breach of it, is it true that we are our own best friends? If so why do we lie to ourselves? 'I am fine', 'I am in control', 'I am not bothered'... if everyone is seeing us break inside and we're fooling ourselves only, is there a conflict between what our heart thinks and what our heads believe? In a conflict within self, who wins?

So it's about me and my policeman again... Gusty winds are blowing at a horrendous pace outside. The underpass that I think will just never be built is still far from finished... the winds are so strong that perhaps a man would have difficulty standing, the electricity poles are swaying, clouds of dust are rising from what is suppose to be the pride of Islamabad... The policeman is standing there... it is so murky I can barely see him. He's holding his cap with one hand and controlling the traffic with the other, Then as the cars start moving he uses the other hand to shelter his eyes from those million particles that are probably already bringing tears, he rushes to pick up some traffic cones and back again. His mouth is dry, eyes itchy, throat soar, he would perhaps think for a second of his house, perhaps loadshedding would have it dark right now... and the kids that he does all this for. He would probably be thinking this is still better than standing in the scortching heat he has stood in for weeks now. My heart is breaking at just the sight of him...  

Perhaps we paste our sorrow for the world to see, because no one would take it away from us. It's our happiness that we shy away from sharing... will people be jealous? will they steal it from us? will they question our joy? Only endings do not have to be happy, perhaps this is a Happy start and I exist in all this joy.

So a few more die for egos, does anyone care? Media shows dead bodies while the Chief Justice has lunch at airport... In the blame game between is anyone taking responsibility? Does the anyone realise that these people died BECAUSE OF HIM. Will he sleep in peace today at the amount of 'support' that came out on the streets for him? The men in Black and White killed someone's father, son, husband... So God damn this man who is probably discussing his next political move right now. Do his children know that their father is a murderer?

Barack Obama for President 2008, Go Republicans! Do good guys always lose? Hope springs eternal and miracles do happen... I wish non Americans could vote for the US president, we do get affected the worst anyway.

Escape is not easy for people with conscience. How does one justify killing hope by pretending it was never there in the first place?

A sporadic burst of emotion leads to feeling of empty and hollow. If empty and hollow is what we're all aiming for, is loading it all up on someone else fair??? Does hollow and empty takes away all emotions that make us human and leaves us simply existing?

Are coincidences natures ways of giving us hints?

If trophies go to winners only, and those who don't get them are losers... why is everyone falling for losers of all sorts?

Retail therapy helps, the problem is is you're emotionally drained why would you be happy if you're financially drained ALSO. Is losing money an antidote fore losing heart?? or is it merely our sadist side coming out. Are we are own worst enemies??